Like all break-ups, divorce can be an equally, if not more upsetting and emotionally draining process. Once completed, former couples are free to continue life as they please with some choosing to remarry and begin a new family.

However if you hone in on the Asian community and look past all the smiles, tradition and culture, you will find a plethora of stigmas and attitudes attached to those who divorce, making the process a daunting and isolating one.

An increasing number of Asian women are having to bear the brunt of this backlash as divorce rates within the Asian community grows, despite the overall percentage of divorces in the UK decreasing.

The National Office of Statistics says that “based on marriage, divorce and mortality statistics for 2010, it is estimated that the percentage of marriages ending in divorce is 42%, compared with 45% in 2005.”

Priya Chandra who writes for DESIblitz said:

British Asian marriages are collapsing at an alarming rate. Many within the first year of marriage and often include couples that have dated for a long period prior to marriage too.  Reasons for marriage break-up includes boredom, lack of interest in a partner, in-law pressures, intolerance of each other, money and work pressures, arranged marriages and extra-marital affairs.”

Whether or not couples are prepared for what married life has to offer, divorcing doesn’t only mean a split between yourself and your spouse. It also sets the wheels in motion for a very different dynamic between yourself and your community.

The stigmas that currently exist amongst Asians frankly disgusts me, as most of the disdain and pity are aimed solely at women.

Writer, Ayesha Khan, describes the plight divorced Asian women face.

From the pity and even scorn of relatives and the sympathies towards parents, the Asian woman is treated as shop soiled, and a failure. Her inability to hang onto her man is derided and seen as a weakness or an illness.

But that’s not the shocking part of it all. Divorce is a social issue that threatens a family’s reputation in the eyes of their community. In order to protect this, parents and in-laws insist on their children remaining in unhappy and hopeless marriages for the sake of showing their faces in public.

Why should women stay in marriages that no longer satisfies them, but pleases a community who are willing to turn their backs the very second a split takes place?

These mindsets create the belief that a divorced woman has no future in terms of remarriage and finding someone who looks beyond their marital status. It is this kind of thinking that stops them from seeking a way out from a life of misery, and even drives them to suicide.

The stigma attached to such women is shocking; suddenly the woman should give up all future thoughts of marriage and survive ‘just for the children’. The few Asian men who do look at that woman do so with an air of pity, and make the woman feel she should be grateful for a man taking her and her burdens on.

However, an evolution is slowly simmering where women are concerned. Once expected to raise the children, maintain the family home and abide by their in-laws, women are now pursuing higher education and careers that make them independent, ambitious and open to opportunities outside of their community.

It is also giving them the strength to walk away from relationships and marriages that are humiliating, and unfulfilling. Being ostracised doesn’t even factor into the equation where their happiness is concerned. And it shouldn’t.

A lot has to be said for these women. Their bravery in the face of adversity should be an example for others. I’m not saying divorce is a wonderful thing, but it is a right given to us both legally and religiously. More often than not, culture is the culprit that prevents a fulfilling and happy life.

The marriage landscape is definitely changing with women taking a stand against chauvinistic, unfaithful and abusive men. Only now are women seeing that they live in a modern society where there are organisations and services that can support and help them bounce back after a divorce. And only now do they see the harmony they can finally achieve by grabbing these opportunities.

So rather than pity the woman who divorces and escapes a life of misery and degradation, feel sorry for the woman who conforms to these mindsets and chooses to stay, never fully tasting the fruits life has to offer.

Growing up, I’m sure we all have experienced tough love at some point. Whether it’s obvious or not, when applied correctly to a child, discipline is instilled and lessons are learnt. But as we enter adulthood, the idea of discipline and enforcing tough love into our relationships seems pointless and at times, condescending.

If we use this method to help our children, younger siblings and family members, why shouldn’t we apply this tool when it comes to our relationships, which at times, are in dire need of some tough loving?

It could be bad social behaviour, a lack of respect or a tendency to lie, but often we find it too difficult to tell those we love hard truths. It’s true that love can easily blind us to our other half’s flaws, but in some cases others may feel that doing this will push their husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend further away and ignite an unneeded fight. So instead, we succumb to soft-touch love – the complete opposite of tough love.

Eleanor Bailey wrote:

It’s easy to get entrenched in soft-touch love. After all, at the beginning of a relationship, the fact that your partner behaves like a spoilt three-year-old is overshadowed by the good stuff that you fell in love with.

Culturally speaking there is a hierarchy in terms of gender when it comes to Asian families with men sitting proudly at the top. Women who are still expected to maintain some traditional values are still strongly seen as the homemaker. To pull your husband down a peg or two in some families would be completely unacceptable and would go against the role in which you are expected to adhere to.

By ignoring bad behaviour and not properly snipping it in the bud, not only are you validating it, the impression you’re giving suggests that you’re willing to condone it should it occur again.

So how do you enforce tough love measures? For starters, don’t fall for the victim story. A sob story is a manipulative way of trying to get negative attention. Instead, establishing healthy boundaries can begin to help an individual.

With tough love, there is always a lesson that will be learned, and unfortunately it is learned the hard way… The dependent one is shown that he needs to take charge of his own life. Tough love can be “sink or swim” and a heart-wrenching situation to endure.

The problem is, we tend to resort to this action when it’s too late. When we have endured enough heartache or when a relationship has ended.

Exerting harsh actions can actually help individuals. Having revealed the true extent of someone’s lies and secrets to their loved ones and stepping away, I was ultimately deemed vengeful by that person and I expected that.

But if it puts them in the perfect position to change, then I reckon those bold actions show more strength and love than any domestic goddess who’s happy to condone such destructive behaviour.

When you think of the ideal man, you may envision someone who is respectful, honest, ambitious, family focused and dare I say it, romantic.

Magazines constantly stress that men who possess these traits are likely to be your soul mates and should be held on to for dear life.

But what if their advice is in fact pushing you into the arms of someone much more sinister and devious?

Sapna Magazine published an article in 2007, which like many others, listed clear differences between men who were players and those you could call husband material. By the end of the informative post, I found myself questioning the following traits Kama Pandit had listed that reflected the good guys.

According to Pandit, these were the qualities women should be on the look out for:

• An attentive, sweet and caring man
• Hardworking
• A man who loves the way you think
• A man who holds your hand rather than “grabbing your goodies”
• Buys you dinner, dessert and other treats
• Makes an effort with your family

Sounds pretty legit, right? What if I told you that sociopaths could easily emulate these qualities.

The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 1% of the U.S. population suffers from this personality disorder. As of 2012, that figure stands at over 3 million Americans. On a global scale, that number is significantly higher.

One recurring quality sociopaths are known to have is a natural charm, which they waste no time in exuding.

Sociopaths can be very romantic, extremely charming and incredibly generous. They will shower their target with attention, flattery and gifts of all kinds – jewellery, clothes, flowers. A sociopath will sweep you off your feet and treat you unlike anyone has ever treated you. He will typically seal the relationship very quickly, often before he discards his current victim. Sociopaths have the ability to gain your affection very quickly and a relationship with a sociopath becomes intense very quickly.

There are other known signs commonly linked to sociopaths. Pathological lying, a smooth talker, overly attentive and shallow emotions are traits that can easily dupe considerate women into a web of deceit and lies.

Sociopaths usually target women are who nurturing and very trusting, kind and caring. Often their targets are women who have morals since it is much easier for a sociopath to ‘con’ a good person than another con artist. They only want to prey on women whom they can take and take from without the person expecting anything in return. They are social predators who target vulnerable women. Sociopaths can quickly determine a person’s weak spots and vulnerabilities and will exploit them throughout the relationship.

Even though failed relationships happen everyday, it isn’t outlandish to rule out the possibility of this condition as I’ve personally learnt. If the majority of the symptoms and characteristics fit the mould of a person you are or have been involved with, there is every chance they suffer from this disorder.

Like my ex-boyfriend who turned out to have much more than a wandering eye. Though he displayed all of Pandit’s “ideal” qualities, upon closer inspection of his behaviour and characteristics, he also possessed the classic traits of a sociopath. There were times in my relationship where I felt as though something didn’t quite add up with my ex. I found it odd that he felt the need to exude his charm and charisma to every girl at work and felt as though his grandiose demeanour conflicted with his insistence that he was very shy and introverted.

The level of manipulation, pathological lies and deceit brings a certain kind of relief that he’s no longer my responsibility. Instead, he’s moved on to his next victim.

Shielding yourselves emotionally from these individuals is vital. Avoid all contact if possible. If this isn’t feasible, keeping conversation to very neutral subjects such as the weather doesn’t give them the personal ammunition they require to exploit and degrade you. Having nothing to offer them will also act as a deterrent as there is no emotional resource they can grasp and manipulate.

Wanting to see and believe the good in people is absolutely normal, but there times where a certain level of awareness for our own emotional safety is imperative. Rather than rely on top tips lifestyle magazines enforce, try paying attention to something much more valuable than the monthly freebies – your instincts.

Admit it. At some point in your life you have absolutely despised another woman. Whether your reasoning was justified or not, you’ve been there and so have I. Female hate can be found almost anywhere. In the media, in our personal lives and professionally.

Whilst reading around the subject, the issue of ‘beauty’ and ‘physical appearance’ cropped up almost instantaneously.

If the women around you think you’re prettier than them, your fate is sealed. The prettier you are, the more threatened the women around you will feel. Your mere presence makes them feel like an ogre standing next to you. If they are single, they will see you as the competition. If they are married, they will see you as the seductive temptress desiring to steal their man away.

Charming, isn’t it? Rather than praise and admire beautiful women, the sight of someone remotely attractive will warrant a flood of hatred. I personally feel that I’m fortunate enough to have drop dead gorgeous friends and would never want to belittle them when it comes to their appearance. I’m all for striking a positive rapport, even with strangers.

Some women on the other hand, are much more reserved. This resentful mentality isn’t a new phenomenon though. Female hatred has been present throughout history and as we have evolved and grown, sadly, so has this mindset. Think back to the days of witch-hunting where women were burned alive and killed because of accusations made by other females.

Artist, Katarina Silva, writes: “Perhaps that fearful era in history, in which envy between women easily led to death, has yet to be fully extricated from society, as females continue to energetically deplete one another, instead of support one another as often as we could be.”

Even in popular culture, Silva points out the tale of Snow White, which centred around her jealous stepmother wishing to be “the fairest of them all.” She is so irked by Snow White’s beauty and charm that she enlists a Huntsman to carve out her heart. Pretty grim if you ask me.

So why do women openly hate on other women so viciously? My theory? They see desirable qualities other women may have that they do not hold. As a natural reaction, they choose to attack.

Harriet Cammock, an on air personality, shares a similar view:

It took me years to understand and see that people judge you based on their own perceived deficiencies. Often there are times their reaction to you has very little to do with your interactions with them, but has everything to do with them and how they see themselves.

There were times where I would feel inadequate and somewhat resentful towards other girls who were quite the extroverts. In the end I realised that I needed to embrace my introverted side more and be comfortable in my own skin. As a result of doing that, I’ve been able to cement a friendship with those girls and there is a mutual respect between us. On the other side of the spectrum, I’ve had girls dislike me too. Whether it’s exposing and purposely chipping away at one of my weaknesses or constantly attempting to get a rise out of me online, they are the ones that need to tackle their own demons and understand that there is an underlying problem they need to address.

Cultural upbringings can also shape the way girls eventually perceive one another, depending on the relationships they are exposed to between females.

Asian mentality whereby some parents use their children as ammunition to assert a certain success and reputation over fellow family members and friends, also plants a seed that will be taken into the wider world and could grow to bear fruits of pride and envy towards others.

Comparisons especially over education and career choices should warrant praise and encouragement, given the fact that women were once confined to the walls of their homes.

Society has been moulded in such a way that competition isn’t surprising between females in both their professional and personal lives. The media also dictates that women should look and be a certain way, which has only added fuel to the fire. What about emulating the work beauty brand Dove does in promoting and building positive self-esteem amongst women?

Female envy will never go away unless women take that step to change and put down those critical defence mechanisms. The likelihood of that happening is questionable, but not impossible. There is no doubt that women are powerful creatures. We’ve seen how damaging they can be when pitted against one another. Imagine how potent they’d be standing side by side?

Illustration by: Laurine Tellier, Deviantart

Last year a Pew Research Center Study revealed that interracial marriages in the U.S. climbed to 4.8 million, with the influx of Asian and Hispanic immigrants adding to the already mixed pool of potential spouses.

Another study by British Future last year revealed that mixed marriages were more accepted in the UK. Even with the growing acceptance of mixed marriages, there is still a reluctance within the Asian community to support and embrace intercultural relationships.

Growing up in a Muslim Guyanese household, I expected a long list of qualities and traits my Mum and Dad had mentally stored away just waiting to throw at me when I uttered the word ‘boyfriend.’

Muslim. Guyanese. Perhaps Trinidadian. Lives in London. Educated. Good job. Comes from a respectful family. Non-smoker. The list could go on. How wrong was I?

So wrong that when I introduced my former boyfriend to my Mum thinking she would instantly condemn me, she did the complete opposite. Though he met the majority of the above traits, he wasn’t Guyanese, which I thought would be a deal breaker. It wasn’t. In fact, neither of my parents brought his Pakistani background into question.

But there are a lot of families that would have an issue with this and it is this lack of tolerance I cannot wrap my head around. Yes, there are differences in intercultural relationships, but should this stop a family from getting to know an individual invested in their son or daughter, or hinder two people from sharing and building a life together? Absolutely not.

NPR News interviewed New York psychologist, Lubna Somjee and Anita Malik, Editor of East West Magazine on the very subject where they gave some more insight into why Asians find it difficult to embrace this social change.

“Asian immigrant parents typically have a very set view of who their children should marry. It’s a different type of relationship, but every family has their own traditions, and sometimes a lot of that becomes very, very specific to what the parents want. And it’s just a very different child-parent relationship, and so it gets a little bit more tricky. And so it can be difficult,” Malik explains.

The wider ethnic community that a number of Asians are apart of can also be quite rigid in their traditional norms and the consequences for those who do not conform within those boundaries can be psychologically detrimental.

A Muslim father’s view quoted within a 2012 thesis by Sangeeta Soni discussed the prospect of his daughter marrying someone outside of their ethnic and religious background.

It might be accepted for the boy to marry (though not liked). But it would never
be acceptable for our girls. It’s a delicate relationship we have with a daughter.
We would feel dishonoured, the family would be dishonoured if this happened.

In some cases, cultural background is the issue at hand rather than religion and gender doesn’t come into question as males are just as forbidden as females.

There is a buzzing Guyanese community in London, but similarly to other Asian communities, it just seems that you’re more at risk of being scrutinised than empowered within these groups. Conforming to a way of life that other people collectively deem permissible somehow forces certain qualities and mindsets that an individual may not agree with.

Nevertheless, this ideology has travelled through several decades into the new millennium and can cause somewhat of a clash given the freedom younger generations have. With more mixed marriages, families are showing more of an acceptance and are finding ways to preserve their traditions as well as create new ones by opening their hearts and homes to individuals outside of their culture.

While this is reassuring, the idea of intercultural relationships still remains forbidden to some families. Somjee explains: “Unfortunately, there may be some families who ultimately say, you know what? We cannot do this. No matter how nice you may be, no matter how much we like you in general, this is not something we can accept in our family. And at this point, you as a couple have to decide whether you’re willing to take the risk, and those are hard questions you will have to ask yourself before you even start this process.”